There is no more love, trust, respect or loyalty.
Product of my surroundings.
I've concluded that I'm not getting what I want.... Simply because I don't ask. I don't like to burden people because I know how many problems I have and I know that everyone else has their own shit to deal with... I can't change people, but I can tweak my reactions and what I do and say. This is going to be quite difficult for me... Opening up for me, is like getting teeth pulled. I bottle everything up, I overanalyze things and situations and then I drive myself to the point of becoming physically ill. I don't want to act this way. I don't enjoy hiding my thoughts and feelings from the people I care about.. It's just what I know. It's how I've learned to cope. I deal with everything on my own. Most people are incapable of understanding the majority of the things I think about and deal with... And the rest simply don't know what to say or how to say it. I don't want to have to put someone in that situation... I need to learn how to think of myself. I need to put other people on the back burner. You fail to realize it, because I'm so good at hiding it.. But the truth is world, I am suffering. And I am the only person who can change this. People are unreliable and 99% can not be trusted.. The people I consider important, and on the same level with my top priorities - I can count on one hand. And that in itself, is a lot to handle.. I am constantly doubting others and their sincerity. I don't mean to.. I know there are good people out there... It's just hard to recognize when mainly all of the people I've put my faith in, are the ones that have hurt me the most. This includes family. Oh does it ever.... That's where this all stems from. Unchosen relationships. Which of course, influence chosen ones. It's so hard breaking patterns and habits when mistrust, instability and betrayal is what you know. Anyone I could ever want in my life, is. I am truly grateful for the people I hold close to my heart. And for those who view me as a mother... You are in for a rude awakening. Because you are NOT my responsibility. And I am not a doormat. When you push me over the edge, it is then that I will directly confront you. And you will be out of my life permanently.
I've been thinking more than usual today.... I am not happy. I feel like a body floating in the ocean. Swaying left and right depending on the shift of the current. I feel out of control. I feel lost. I feel like I am not my own person anymore. Everything I seem to do is an effect of what is expected of me. (and I hate to let anyone down. I fear it.) I mean this in multiple ways.. My needs and wants seem to be forgotten, by others and myself... I have become so indecisive with matters pertaining to my wants and my needs.... That I honestly don't know if they exist anymore. I am absorbed in everyones lives. I am expected to make the world a better place, to give love without receiving, to be wonder woman. When I am just a body swaying in the current.....